” Industry need not wish.”
-- Thoughts by Benjamin Franklin from Poor Richard's Almanac, or from his letters.

CNN headline reads “Ohio the key battleground state”, story reads, “Ohio a target market.” Take two extremes--and they want a middle. Mid-west, middle policy, middle east, the middle right and the middle left. Middle finger.

 Its been awhile since Ohio made headlines, now pundits, pollsters and politicians are lining up for what is becoming a very unofficial state fair and it’s getting deep. I mean “the rooster says_______” deep. Moo-cow deep. Its about jobs but, its about headlines too. The last Ohio story that made national headlines, about a guy busted plotting to bomb a mall in Columbus. Carefully folding the edges of my Poor Richards Almanac---so long as no one gets hurt, I hate malls. If you’re gonna pick your battles, don’t pick the battles your enemies can fight for you. I never thought treason could come down to having cheap coffee and green grass to drink it on, but treason is a crime of complicity. I don’t agree. Next headline to read, there was that Wright Brothers anniversary of flight thing. The most notable slogan--- “Re-Inventing flight” and unfortunate and unmistakable name after 9/11. Before that? Cincinnati Riots. Which made no sense and, make no sense. I had once beaten an apology out of the Cincinnati Police, when, after the third time I called them after my place had been broken into, I explained that they needed to get there because if drugs were involved, they would have already been there. “Sorry Sir”. No credit for them whatsoever for showing up late, or not showing up when it matters in Over-the-Rhine. A robust and vibrant community that even daunted prohibitionist Carrie Nation. Ohio is the place people are going back to or coming from, but news wise, Ohio is regarded as little more than a carefully arranged stop on the way to the White House.

Its easy to see why people would want Ohio so badly. Paul Westerberg (of Replacements fame) pointed out, if you can’t make it in the Midwest, you got no right trying to make it anywhere else. Its true. People here more oft talk about getting out, of relatives in other states, but stay, and everybody knows it. Make your money somewhere else, but make your name here. To that end, a guide to Ohio lore to help those trying to master consent.

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Hank Williams Sr. died on his way to a concert in Ohio, so if god is in heaven, it ain’t about country music and on this note, you need to make up your mind. Gloria Steinem was born in Ohio, Ohio is not just about “women” in this election, but about actual equality. The fattest president, William Howard Taft, proved a president can have his cake and eat it too, so be careful. Charles Manson, little piggy, changed fairy tales and hot dogs forever. While we’re on the topic of food, Jeffrey Dahmer. “Its what’s for dinner stupid!” so quit with the national “you’re fat” campaign, because in whatever apocalypse you are peddling is sure to befalls us should you lose, remember, thin people get eaten first. Marilyn Manson, spooky devil boy, HA! He’s a rural boy around here. Give him all the attention he wants, but don’t give him what he needs, make his “momma” do that. While we’re on the topic of stars, John Glen was first to orbit the Earth, followed by another Ohioan, Neil Armstrong, who was first to walk on the moon. Careful with your promises, cause we’ll walk on them. If Barbie has got you down it's because of us, but porn starlet Tracii Lords should provide temporary relief. Thomas Edison was invented here, so if you’re up late reading this, it is because he was likely afraid of the dark. Stupid white men do come from here, this guy named George Custer…General George Custer? Yea. That guy, be careful what you make you last stand, stand for. Filmmaker Jim Jarmursh, another Ohio native put in more subtle terms in his epic Deadman---“Stupid fucking white man.” Two better shots would go after Custer and between he and Jarmusch; golf legend Jack Nicklaus and Annie Oakley. 9/11, if no one else wants credit, can be blamed on the Wright Brothers, who by contemporary estimations, should have played with bicycles and not thought much more about it. Burning buildings are not our specialty, in fact, the first mechanized fire department in the United States was the Cincinnati Fire Department, who, on their first run in the modern era, sparked a riot (not to be confused with the Cincinnati Police). When prohibitionist Carrie Nation came through Over-the-Rhine (Cincinnati), she was welcomed, but left it is said, with no hope of redeeming Ohioans of their wicked ways. “Folks” here know their vote matters, Ohio figures in the top ten most Populus states in the last two censuses. In an irony so spook-i-fied---that it could only originate from the Bush White House, the Environmental Protection Agency conducts bio-terrorism research in Cincinnati, a Republican stronghold. When people say the government covered up alien contact, we know, we made the blanket---famed “Hanger 18” is located at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in Dayton. On the note of illegal aliens, while the rest of the country is worried about terrorism, we’ve known for 60 some odd years we’re screwed. Wright-Patterson Air Force Base said to be on every foreign nuclear “first strike list.” 8 presidents came from Ohio, and you can’t become one without winning the state in any presidential election since the 50’s. We only have three major cities, mostly built like suburbs, so, as you're driving that new BMW wondering why anyone would wanna live here, we’re laughing (not only because we have combine tractors that cost 200,000 we only drive two weeks out of a year), but because, Ohio is where very smart people are keeping very quiet--- Montgomery County boast the highest percentage of patent holders in the world. Despite talk of “Freedom”, Ohio has been a symbol for “freedom”---well before any of you set about spell checking your party rhetoric. Ohio was freedom to slaves, and remains freedom for folks on their way to Canada for any other number of reasons---they drive fast, we don’t mind, as we have a deep understanding. Without paper weight egos and skyscrapers stacked like to do list, we have another pastime, filling our nearly endless horizon with pretty pictures on barn sides and otherwise. Jim Dine painted hearts, Trent Reznor made Nine Inch Nails to put in those hearts. The Pretenders miss Cleveland, but Devo miss the 80’s. Rock stars love living here---especially glamsters. Bret Michaels of Posion, and, Peter Criss of Kiss, have houses here. A Cincinnati band called the Afghan Whigs were the first to be signed to a very small label, called Sub-Pop, so that settles any coffee house polemics and should settle retro-cynicism, although it won’t. Bootsy Collins (the funk master!), is from Ohio as is King Crimson guitarist and Bowie-ite, Adrian Belew. We mix our sex with anatomy, Larry Flynt launched his Hustler empire in Dayton and Cincinnati strip clubs. Simon Leis and Hamilton County (Cincinnati) still haven’t gotten over it, despite every county bordering it selling porn, tons of it, the further out you go the better the variety. That cinematic heroic shit as opposed to the “real” shit, “Band of Brothers”, started here, with Steven Spielberg. Twilight Zone creator Rod Serling did his homework here at Antioch College. Antioch College is the same school that established a campus policy that you have to ask for sex---formally before having it. As this alum is happy to report, it cut through to the heart of most matters. For those who disagree, Leonard Nimoy dropped out of Antioch. For those who really hate liberals, Coretta Scott King, wife of slain civil right leader Martin Luther King, earned one of her degrees at Antioch. Like books? Erma Bombeck and comic strip Cathi, Zane Grey and Toni Morrison not to mention R.L Stein, who makes Goosebumps here. Maya Lin knows something special about Vietnam, the name of every person that died as she designed and sculpted the Vietnam Memorial. Like liberal media? Ted Turner. Like conservative media? Fox Network star “Nancy Cartwright” (aka Bart Simpson) is from Kettering. Clark Gable doesn’t give a damn, how could he? Our old houses are built upon fire proof river rock.

In sports we break our own records: Pete Rose and Ty Cobb, not to mention Cy Young. It figures, Ohio is the birthplace of the first professional baseball team, the Cincinnati Reds. On that infotainment tip, Hollywood loves us. Fuck six degrees of Kevin Bacon, almost every movie has some reference to Ohio. Check it out. Characters are either coming from going to Ohio, but rarely anything else. Still, we are there. You never hear it, but Hollywood comes to Cincinnati’s Over-the-Rhine to films movies about racsist tinged violence. Notably, academy award winning Traffic, cult hit, Belly.

So, I hope this guide will prove useful trying to get Ohio into your bracket. You have my vote for trying. Good Luck.

Lance Oditt
9/04

Thanks K--!